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In this particular post, I am going to continue a theme which I recently introduced. That is, from the “Deep Processing, Astrological Style” piece. Now, I must inform readers that most of what I have written in the past has been humorous, lighter and written when I was feeling upbeat and inspired. And with that, you are probably thinking, “Uhhh… where is this heading?” Well I will tell you: I have been on a remarkable journey in the past eight plus years – sloughing off issues and/or wounding through various means and methods. I will elaborate on this broad statement, at some point in this series, have no fear. But first, it is time to admit some of my challenges.
Yes, everything I have written on here is true, and when I refrain from writing when I am down, or grouchy, or in the midst of a giggle-fest (high on laughter), then the radiant Sun of a Leo Rising can shine through. However, at present I am under an irritated fog, rough thoughts and sensations pulse through my body; at least my desire to please others seems to have shriveled up, an artifact of the past – replaced by a need for alone-time and allowing the waves to wash away old stuff. I am used to discomfort and I have many resources, however as I process new-found birth trauma, I wonder when it will let up.
It is my intention for these articles to be a book someday, so.. if you know a good publisher (you know where to send them)!
Long story shorter – prior to 2002, I was more of a typical young male (well… slightly). Playing a lot of computer games (Pisces are fond of addictions), succumbed to peer pressure and drank / partied (Pisces are also fond of numbing out / escaping – see addictions) and I got my fair share of speeding tickets (suppressed anger comes out in miraculous ways). Conversely, my many past lives as an ascetic / monastic still shone through the fickle “I’m-trying-to-fit-in-on-this-bizarre-planet” facade. For instance, I was just as content to be alone as I was to be social if not more, and I had a very active imagination which I believe ties in very handily with the practice of Tibetan Buddhism (many visualizations and images to play with). I also had an enormous threshold for pain which may tie in with previous meditation experience or with an incredible dissociative habit.
I say my healing journey has been on-going for more than eight years because in 1999 I joined the military. Yeah, you heard that correctly. I had just flunked out of Virginia Polytechnic Institute (I think I got a “D” and four “F”s) and I decided it was time to stand on my own two feet. I spoke with recruiters and I found a path that had little chance of sending me over seas to fight – being in a training brigade in the Army Reserves. Of course, when I completely aced the entrance exams I should have known – the recruiters said they had never seen scores as high as mine and they offered me anything I wanted – a path to special ops, military intelligence. I stuck with being in a drill sergeant reserve unit – I was angry but I wasn’t stupid. So after five months of 24/7 drilling in boot camp and advanced training, I got let out on good behavior <he he he>. Actually I was told to go straight to my reserve unit – do not pass go, don’t collect two hundred dollars. But that was only one weekend / month and two weeks in the summer.
As I was saying, I believe being in the military was a step down the healing road for me. First, I was subconsciously purifying previous warrior karma (I had not been introduced to Buddhism yet to know about this consciously). Second, I got to experience life on all levels and frequencies – believe me, many people (about 1 out of 10) were in basic training because a judge had told them, “Okay son, its either jail or the Army for you, which one you want?” As I got to know people better it was almost like being in prison – you did what?! And they want you to carry a weapon!! Oh my god!!
But I learned how to relate with many individuals and in my reserve unit I was able to see the unflinching altruism of misdirected passion – they would sacrifice anything for their country and for each other. There were many public service professionals in the reserves – law enforcement officers, teachers, rescue squad workers, etc. I was definitely the odd ball out – being a philosophizing waiter… however I feel I took a step toward grounding in this world.
The manner in which I got out of the military is complicated, comical and convoluted. Very briefly – I told the commandant of the drill sergeant school – I had been talked into going – how I felt about the military system (to say I was less than satisfied is one of the biggest understatements of my life) and I was promptly told to either “go see a shrink or stay here for the remaining two weeks.” Did I mention how being in the military felt like prison? So it really wasn’t a choice for me – being able to get out with a marginal, temporary psychological issue was infinitely more important than attempting to grind my teeth. I was in the reserves for over four years.
There is a saying which I agree with, and I am about to state my thoughts on the military, which might ruin or fire up my future political possibilities, it goes: “those who can, do; while those who cannot, join the military.” Having someone tell you what to wear, what time to eat, when to go to work, etc is conducive to being a cog in a big machine – not with having freedom or creative liberty. Therefore, as a Uranian type, I am strongly opposed our country to having a large military and I would highly recommend anyone to come and speak with me before joining – the recruiters are lying to you, I guarantee it – its their job to get you to sign your freedom away, not to be straight with you. While I say all of this, I do not regret my time in service – I learned a lot, interacted with many different types, I got free room and board and because this Pisces is basically happy anywhere he goes, it was not overly terrifying.
Astrologically, when I entered the military in 1999, there was much happening in both my transiting and progressed charts. In my opinion, one of the primary reasons people are ignorant enough to join the de-humanizing militaristic system is because they have a lot of suppressed anger. This was certainly true for me and some of the following aspects reveal it. Transiting Mars was trine Natal Mars, Tr. Pluto was square my Na. Mars and Na. Saturn – in my chart, I believe the Saturn opposite Mars aspect is indicative of deep, deep rage, which Pluto was prying on at the time. I also had many other aspects – Tr. Uranus conjunct Na. Venus (cramping my style; very new, unusual, unexpected decisions being made – these ran contrary to any “normal, Venusian, refinement-oriented” directions), Tr. Sun conjunct South Node (past tendencies, opportunity to purify previous karma, getting touch with inner wisdom / skills), Tr. Saturn square Na. Jupiter (remember how I mentioned it felt like prison? no freedom in the military, no expansion – rather expect your heart to scrunch up really small in an attempt to make it through boot camp; Saturn is all about scrunching things up), my progressed Ascendant had just switched to Virgo (a change of Pr. Sun / Asc. signs can be indicative of major life shifts, plus in the military I was trained in personnel administration – the detailed office work, which is right up Virgo’s alley). Then…
In 2002, I had a dream, in which the words, “you have appendicitis.” rang true. Again this is the extreme pith version, and in it, I was operated upon. The next morning the surgeon came in to check on me and in his few minutes of procedural candor, he also dropped the line, “you know, there were complications and we had to stop your heart… blah blah blah…” Hang on a second! What did he just say? Well, actually I was still jacked on morphine, so it was more like, “Oh man, they stopped my heart… that’s funny… wait… that doesn’t sound right… but these rainbows are neat…” Yeah. I had heard correctly – he said that actually it happens in about 10 % of cases, something about a major vein being near the swollen appendix. So I was attached to oxygen and “there was no brain damage and everything went fine.” Yep – except for the whole having an “out of body / near death / interacting with light beings” experience I would take three years to uncover, it went just fine and dandy!
When this event happened, transiting Pluto was exactly conjunct my Natal Neptune (5th house, Sagittarius) and square my Natal Sun (8th house, Pisces) by 3 to 4 degrees. Keep in mind, with my Pisces Sun, Neptune is the ruler (strengthening it), plus my Natal Neptune just happens to square my Nodal Axis – North and South Nodes (in Pisces and Virgo respectively). Then, on March 1st, the day of the surgery, the transiting Sun was very close to my Natal Mars (8th house, Pisces, a potential trigger in my chart) and as a result it was directly opposite my Natal Saturn (2nd house, Virgo). Yes, you might say there was quite a lot going on in that fated year (for me).
So soon thereafter, I noticed I could not really hold (any) my alcohol, and I slowly became more interested in health and body / mind issues. My driving became more patient and it was challenging to be around old patterns, or friends who manifested these. Also, it was in 2002 that I really began my two year withdrawal process from the military. It took a little while to build up the strength to say, “Nope, I’m no longer interested in being a bullet stopper… It’s much less glamorous than the movies!”
So this is the beginning of several posts. I hope you enjoyed it. I will explain what I am currently going through down the road in another post – however it might take me several to get there. The literary-psycho-spiritual layers are peeling away.